I love my breastfeeding support group.

I have wanted to breastfeed ever since I was a little kid. I know it sounds corny, but the first time I saw a woman breastfeeding her kid, I thought it was amazing.  I would rarely fantasize about being a mom, but whenever I did, breastfeeding was a part of that dream. I was looking forward to it more than anything.

I was a bit out of it when Maddie was born, and some of my memories are a bit warped and foggy from the painkillers, but I remember nursing Maddie for the first time. I think someone must have held her for me, but I’m not sure. I remember how she latched and did one little suck, opened her eyes and did a bunch of teeny little rapid sucks and then she was done.  I thought WOW. Nursing is SO easy.

Then I remember all of the other feedings at the hospital. The first day, the nurses would bring her to me. I think they woke her up for me.  But after that, they were all giving me these really confusing orders. “Make a C with your hands and hold your breast. NO not like that.. like this! No! Over here!  No.. squeeze .. you’re doing it wrong.. no.. here.. no.. like this.. no!!”   One nurse kind of ticked me off because she just yanked Maddie out of my arms and repositioned her. Then she squeezed my breast, without asking or givimg me any warning! YACK!

Then I remember Maddie didn’t wake up for feedings. She wanted to sleep right through them.  I remember the same Miss Grabby nurse and I got into a bit of a spat because I couldn’t get Maddie to wake up. I had no idea what to do. I finally decided to get her a little bit wet because I thought that might make her stir. She thought I was trying to give her a bath and she scolded me and no matter how many times I kept trying to tell her Iwas desperate to wake her up and I wasn’t trying to bathe her, she kept telling me that I was not suposed to bathe her. She also kept telling me to “just wake her up already” 

Then, Maddie started refusing to nurse. She would get screamy and hungry, but terrified of my big old boobs. She would shake her head and press away whenever they got close. I had several nurses offer wild theories.  Most of them involved my not being relaxed enough. I remember a nurse barking out the order “You need to RELAX! Right NOW! CALM DOWN!! You’re not RELAXING enough.” 

I was so devastated. I was about ready to give up. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world, but it would have crushed me a little.  I just didn’t know what to do. I thought breastfeeding was natural — and Maddie and I would both just know what to do. We were both totally clueless and we were both slow learners.

Then the lactation specialist came in. I told her that I was tired of everyone telling me that I couldn’t breastfeed because I wasn’t relaxing and I didn’t know what to do.   And instead of scolding me, she found a solution.

She picked up the screaming Maddie and said “See how her legs are curled up right under her bottom? She’s got really bad gas.” And she left the room and came back with a little bottle of medicine.  She took a little dropper and dropped this pink stuff on Maddie’s tongue and she smacked her lips together, stopped screaming and I held her to me, and she attempted to latch.

But she couldn’t do it. I thought — Oh boy.. more RELAXing. But no! The lactation specialist saw that I needed a nipple shield because of the natural shape of my breasts. FINALLY, I could DO this. I was so happy to find out that the difficulties had nothing to do with my incompetence. I could actually take my baby home and feed her.

But when I got home, I was just blown away. Maddie was still not waking up for feedings. I was told to wake her up every 2 hours in the daytimes and 3 hours at night. I remember being so exhausted and frazzled. I was also terrified that Maddie was sleeping because she was starving to death and was too weak to wake up and cry.  Even though the doctor told me on every visit that she was in the 95th percentile for her weight, I was totally convinced that she was wasting away to bones. 

Maddie also started spluttering and choking on my milk. Then she got colic and would scream in pain for hours. I was sort of convinced my breast milk was toxic. The only thing that kept me going with the breastfeeding was that the doctor said I was doing great and Maddie was growing like a weed.

I knew there was a breastfeeding support group, but I was too stubborn to go. I can’t remember why. Most likely reason is that I am socially awkward and hate meeting new people. But of course, I made excuses. I thought since Maddie was doing so well gaining weight, I didn’t need any help.

The only reason I went was because after my 6 week post partum checkup across the street from the hospital, I remembered how amazing the hospital cafeteria food was and I decided to go in and get lunch. (Yes, the cafeteria food is amazingly good at the hospital here… Seriously.. )  I saw an army of strollers. The security guard said “Oh look, it’s Tuesday. All the breastfeeding mommies are here.” I had just happened to come in a few minutes before the weekly meeting. I thought it couldn’t hurt to check it out just once.

Thank God I went. Maddie wasn’t having serious issues feeding, but it felt so GOOD to hear other brand new moms have so much trouble feeding. It also was great hearing moms confess dirty little “bad mom” secrets — like baby refuses to sleep in the crib so let him sleep in the car seat. Or that other moms were having trouble getting a shower or doing anything all day.

In lots of situations, I feel like when groups of moms get together, competitive bragging sometimes starts. Whether it’s how “advanced” their own baby is pointing out the fabulously expensive and adorable perfect outfits — or whatever makes some other mom a perfect mom, people here just talk about their struggles in an honest way. Maybe it’s because we’ve all seen each others boobs — so what else is there left to hide?

Now all our kids are in the “big kids” room, where babies older than three months go. We aren’t all sitting around in a circle with our tiny newborns. We’re sitting on the floor, with our babies doing tummy time, sitting up, crawling around, toddling mostly hanging out until our kids need a feed. It reminds me of a slumber party sometimes.  We got had some bad weather and then got sick, and I really missed the group when I was gone.

My favorite thing about the group is that I’ve learned there are so many different ways of being a good mom. It’s so easy to see your own shortcomings and think that everyone else is doing a better job. I love seeing all these “perfect” moms and finding out that they are just like me. They are just better at different things and who knows — maybe they envy something about me (my baby’s hat.. I know! Her hat is too cool!)  I think being in the group has not only made me more comfortable nursing, it’s made me more comfortable being a mom.

And now Maddies 4 months old, and except when she had a little stomach bug, nursing is so easy. I can flop her down any old way and she just opens her mouth like a baby bird and latches. It’s the way I assumed it would be when she was born. She still has colic. She still uses that stupid little clear shield that is impossible to see and I am constantly hunting for it. She still clusterfeeds and keeps me awake for hours upon hours. But I love it and it’s totally worth it.

Even though I don’t need breastfeeding support so much anymore, I still need the group. And I’m so glad they are there every week.


Merry Christmas Eve

I have been in a cookie frenzy the last few days, so I haven’t been online much.  We’ve had two Christmas celebrations already and we’re headed down the track for 3 – 5 more. I’m losing count!  Everything is a whirl.

It’s fun having a baby around for Christmas. And this last week, she’s really made a whole lot of changes. Actually, TODAY (technically yesterday) she made a ton of changes. At baby story time, she grabbed a book page and was reaching for a picture on the page. She can grab for cloth, but she’ll still only hold onto toys nearby instead of reaching for them. But she did latch onto a rattle and shook it, stared at it, tried to eat it and then laughed at it.  She’s started shrieking, squealing and making belly laughs. She can anticipate the “punchline” of a song, like the POP in pop goes the weasel — and if you sing it to her two or three times, she’s start laughing before you get to “pop!”  This was all just today. I don’t think she was doing any of this stuff yesterday. It’s like a switch flipped in her brain and suddenly all of this new stuff started popping out. It’s amazing. I feel like she gave me a gift.


Chicken Paprikash all over the place

I think now I understand why people get so frustrated with my disorganization and sloppiness. This time, I even got on my own nerves. I decided to make this recipe from the All Recipes site. I had some leftover Tofu sour cream and some chicken breasts to get rid of. I’ve also always wanted to learn to make dumplings, so I thought I’d give it a go.

OK, first of all, my typical style of cooking is pretty haphazard, and this was not a recipe you could do this with. This recipe looked deceptively simple. It didn’t have a lot of ingredients — and I had them all on hand. The prep time seemed pretty quick. So I thought this would be mac and cheese style fast.  Ha.

First of all. While I had all the ingredients, I had no idea of the sheer amount of labor you need for dumplings. Also, dumplings need some special equipment if you want a more efficient and painless way of making them. I had no special equipment. I hadn’t the slightest idea what sort of equipment one might need.  But soon after starting, I discovered that a flour sifter would be a good idea. I had almost three cups of flour that I needed to gradually stir in ever so carefully into an egg mixture. If I put it in too fast, the batter would get lumps. I knew this because.. OK, I didn’t know this. But I figured it out when I tossed in the first handful.  A sifter would have allowed me to put all the flour in a container and sort of sprinkle on a little at a time. Instead, I had a teaspoon and was jiggling it over the eggs, sometimes barely getting out any batter until I suddenly got a big clump.

Now, dumpling batter is supposed to be stiff. I had no idea how stiff it was going to be until I was stirring away and suddenly — oh dear. I could barely turn the spoon. So .. this is where things get.. really .. really.. nightmarish for clean freaks. For me, it was just frustrating.  I decided that it would be easier to stick one hand in the batter and stir by hand. WHAT was I thinking? As soon as I stuck in my hand, it made a SPLORCH sound and immediately turned into this thick gluey crud that completely engulfed my hand. I couldn’t wipe it off. I was still doling out meager teaspoons of flour over the batter with one hand. The other hand is a useless wad of dough/batter hybrid.

Then suddenly, I wish I could tell you how or why this happened, but for some idiotic reason, I jammed my OTHER fist into the batter. Now it’s Bre’r Rabbit and the tar baby in my own kitchen. I’m totally covered from fingertip to elbow in this goopy batter. I’m desperately dipping a paddle-hand dough monstrosity into my measured out flour trying to get the batter to turn into dough so it will get off my hands. For a good while, the batter/dough is just getting fatter and doughier — but not any less sticky. My attempts to wash off the stuff from my hands just make it more glue-like.

This is when my husband comes in and says Genie is refusing the bottle once again. I needed to drop everything and nurse her. She’s getting really cranky and I could tell that she was about to start showing off her high powered screams to get my attention. And I have dough blob appendages– made with raw eggs.

I beg my husband to keep trying to bottle feed her. I’m getting dough all over my face, shirt pants, all over the kitchen counter.. the sink. I wouldn’t be surprised if there is dough on the ceiling from this cooking experience. My husband just stares with his mouth open. “You can’t touch the baby! Don’t touch anything!”  Genie is working up an epic howl of  hunger. It’s been a mere 90 minutes since she last ate, but she’s teething, so feeds more frequently. If you looked at the recipe, you can understand how I thought I’d have a finished product by now. The recipe calls for 30 minutes prep time. I’m 90 minutes in and I’m a little less than half way of the first half of the recipe.

I make a desperate attempt to just take a paper towel and wipe off the gunk. My husband refuses to hand Genie over and tells me to wash up more. I’m getting dough on the soap and instead of cleaning my hands, there is just soapy mush all over the soap dispenser. He’s standing in horror and saying “I’m going to have to clean up this kitchen and the whole house by the time this is finished! How did you even get dough over.. (points out several places.. )” I usually feel sorry for him in these situations. I do have a special knack for making a mess. And a special knack for not being so great at cleaning up these messes — and this one is absolutely abysmal. This could be my worst culinary disaster ever. And I was going to take it to the next level and cover Genie up with dough/batter/soap.

Do I apologize? Heck no! I just about lose it and shout “Fine. YOU nurse her!”  After stomping around the kitchen for a minute or two, I destroy a few scouring pads and manage to mostly clean my hands.  I yanked Genie out from my husbands arms and stomped off into the nursery. I started to get set up to feed her. Two things happen that melt my heart. Even though I’ve made a huge mess and thrown a temper tantrum at my husband and I can tell he’s not happy, he comes in and turns on my meditation and relaxation tape. Then as I start to nurse my little screamer, she just stops and gives me the biggest grin ever. And instead of demanding to nurse, she starts cooing at me and blowing raspberries. She has a look on her face that says she really wants to play more than eat.

So even though there is a big pot of boiling water, a hideously messy kitchen, a frustrated husband and a dinner thats already 30 minutes late and doesn’t show any signs of being ready soon, I just drop everything and play with her and then nurse her. We take 45 minutes. It was worth every second. I just think that I’m working myself into a frenzy to make my family a great meal so they will be happy, when really the thing we most want is to spend quality time together.  I had no idea whether or not dinner was salvageable, but I didn’t care. I was going to soak up this time with my little girl.  I sat with her until she dozed off and then put her in her boppy chair as I went on to tackle the dumplings.

OK, I was ready to start the dump part of the dumplings. My batter has turned to dough, but that’s OK. My grandma used to make pie crust dumplings, so I figure they will be just fine. But I had no idea how even though dumplings are simple, they are time consuming to make. You can’t just dump in the dough into boiling water. You have to tear off little tiny pieces and then drop a handful at a time at most into the boiling water and then wait about ten minutes. Then you scoop them out of the water and put them into a colander. I could tell there were going to be 6 – 8 hands full of dough. So there will be another hour to ninety minutes .. just on the first half of the recipe. But Genie has worked her magic and I feel calm instead of frantic. I just carefully drop in the dough and wait — and I’m patient for a change.  It feels like a cool science experiment. I’m having fun trying to fish out the dumplings when they are done. I should mention here that I needed a sieve to get out the dumplings. I didn’t have a sieve. I used a measuring cup and a wooden spoon to trap them. This makes catching them a lot more difficult and probably added an extra hour to this whole process.

Before I’m finished with the dumplings, it’s time for another feeding. I ask my husband to come in with me and we all sit together in the nursery. I first tell him that I KNOW what I’ve made, even if it turns out amazingly awesome, it was not worth the effort. So I begged him not to tell me that when we sit down to eat it.  Then I apologize and we have a talk about how frustrated he gets with my sloppiness. And we agree that this one is the worst ever, but he’s always trailing around me with a rag and sometimes he puts in as much effort into the meal as I do. But he doesn’t get the fun part.

And I totally get it. He DOES stop to compliment me on being able to calm down and be much more serene in a short period of time.  He’s really good about finding something positive in everything. We talked about how all in all we get along well because even when we disagree, we have the same goal of having a happy healthy family. And so things felt even better.

So round three. I finish up the last of the noodles. Then I actually start making the recipe, chicken paprikash. This part is pretty straightforward, for the most part. I need to cut up my chicken pieces and drop them in my (too small) cast iron skillet. Then cook it up and toss in an onion and all of the spices. From here on everything went off without a hitch — except that I was using tofu sour cream. In all of my recipes, the tofu sour cream has worked out exactly as regular sour cream. But this recipe called for mixing flour into it. And this was beyond what tofu sour cream could handle. I had this funky tofu dough instead of a creamy sauce. It was pretty darned ugly, to be honest.

But amazingly enough, it tasted pretty good. My husband agreed.  Genie sat at the table with us in her car seat and babbled happily all during the meal. She seemed thrilled to participate at the family table even though she wasn’t eating. I’d definately make the paprikash again soon. I’d just put it on premade noodles instead of making the dumplings from scratch.

We cleaned up the kitchen together. And then we made rice crispy treats together. Those took about 5 minutes to make. And they were just as good as the paprikash.

I am such a clueless newbie

One thing that I have trouble getting used to as a new mom is that I don’t have much time to really sit down and study something to learn it. There are so many things about blogging that I don’t understand and don’t have time to learn. Right now, I’m wanting to add some widgets to my site. But on the widget sites, they offer up the html code for you to cut and paste. When I try to add widgets here, the boxes seem to only accept a web address — no code. I am sure there is some easy way to put in all the widgets I want and I just can’t figure it out.

I also got a BlogHer account and I really want to get to know how to use that so I can get good tips and get more traffic for this site. I am just so insanely clueless and I can only work in a few minutes between feedings and naps to spend learning.

Baby Story Time!

Unfortunately, I accidentally left the camera in the car and could not get pictures (that would have been adorable!) of Genie’s first story time. So I’ll have to go back next week and have another “first story time”. Which is totally fine. In a few years, nobody will even know that her first story time pictures are all “fakes” because they are actually the second time. To spice things up, I will post some generic story time pictures to get things exciting and colorful on this site.

Basically, we had a meet and greet at the door,   and a “Hello” song, which I’m told they sing every week. Then we alternated finger-plays, lap bouncing and reading from a story book.  Then we sang the “Goodbye” song and then — the group leader pulled out all these cool toys that the kids got to play with.

  • Genie was too little to do any of the finger plays. She’s just starting to uncurl her fists and all she can do on her own accord is stick her hand in her mouth. So during the finger plays, she sat on my lap and watched my fingers do the routines.
  • She WAS big enough to appreciate the bounces. She got really into them. Not only did she bounce, but she stood up (with help, of course) on the standing and dancing parts.  She enjoyed the “toss in the air” parts. (Don’t worry. We just lifted the babies up. No actually baby throwing occurred.)  She not only laughed whenever I raised her hands in the air, she actually did it on her own when the story teller did it once.  I was totally amazed. I had no idea how much she pays attention to things and underestimated how aware of things she is.
  • The story times were funny. She loved being talked to and she liked staring at the book. But she gets more into staring at the printed words than the pictures. It’s still a month or so before her eyes can really see more details in images. Her eyes are very sharp, but she’s mostly into contrasts.  I picked up a few books with simple pictures to see if I could spark her interest in looking at something other than the text.
  • Play time was just too much! The library had big fancy toys you’d never be able to have in your h0use.  Genie spent most of her time with this giant foam brick covered with leather. There were various little toys sewn into it, but she was too little to get into those. She spent most of her time leaning on the brick and staring at the other kids. I loved it. She could really sit up on her own  by leaning forward and grabbing onto the brick. There were also some cute leather rattle toys. She would hold the smallest ones if I held them in front of her. Most of the time, she just dropped them after a few seconds, but she did manage to shake the smallest one around.  She looked so fascinated by it. I don’t think she quite gets that she was the one making the toy move. She seemed dumbfounded that there was this toy right next to her head moving around.

Anyway, we had a blast. Those of you with babies should get yourself to a story hour at your local library as soon as you can. As much fun as you can imagine it to be, it’s even better.

I hate shopping

I feel like I have a damaged second X chromosome. I thought all women loved to shop — especially for shoes and clothes. But I can’t stand it. I hate trying stuff on. I hate crowds.  I hate spending money.

I can’t think of anything good about shopping for clothes, except that you have new clothes at the end of it. I’m not a huge fan of new clothes, though. So that’s little incentive. However, since my weight has rapidly fluctuated during and after pregnancy, I have almost nothing to wear. For serious.  Up until last week, when my husband begged me to buy jeans for the first time in over 20 years, I had maybe 2 pairs of pants that actually fit and looked somewhat decent.

So, a VERY generous relative has given me a wonderful gift of some special gift cards for Nordstrom that expire at the end of the week. So I HAVE to go out shopping today.  I thank her not only for the gift certificates, but I also thank her for giving me ones soon to expire because it forces me not to procrastinate.

I was going to just buy Christmas gifts for the family or baby clothes for Genie Houdini (not her real name), my almost 3 month old daughter. However my husband BEGGED me to get myself new clothes because he can’t stand my wardrobe. That’s a pretty sorry state. He’s as tightwad as me and cares about clothes almost as little as I do.  So here I goTo alleviate my hatred of shopping, I put some pre-planning into things. This way, I won’t just wander into Nordstrom and flail about.

  • FIRST, I googled “wardrobe staples” so I knew what I should be looking for. I found The Chic Fashionista : Wardrobe Essentials lthe to be the best for my needs.  I didn’t have to examine my wardrobe to see what was missing. I assumed that it was ALL missing.
  • Then I went to the Nordstrom site and started looking at my most needed items. I loved the setup of their site. I could look up clothes, add the sizes and colors I wanted. Then I could check and see if they were in one of the nearest two stores. If they were in stock, I added it to a wishlist.  Now I can just print out the list of what I want with all the sizes, colors and even the special numeric code so that someone can quickly help me find what I’m looking for.
  • If what I want doesn’t look good on me or fit as well, then I can browse, but my list will help me keep in mind what I’m looking for so I don’t panic and just go buy a ton of baby clothes. Maybe I’ll even be brave enough to force a clerk to help me out.
  • I put a lot more on my list than I can afford to buy, and then I prioritized what I needed. This offers a lot of options for me. I will go to what I need first, rather than what’s the closest. I REALLY need a dress coat, but I slightly need stud earrings. I don’t want to spend up on the earrings because they are closer to the door than the coats.  If  nothing on my list or in that department works out, I can go to the next most needed item. I can only remember a few things at a time, so I won’t end up wandering around hopelessly lost if I don’t find a good coat.

Here is what is on my list:

Dress Winter Coat — I need this. I have a ratty old parka and a dress coat that I can’t zip up. Not good enough. All the coats on my list are machine washable. I am a slob and have a baby, so this is vital to my plan. I have 4 on the list

Dress winter boots — I can never find a pair I both like and fits well. So I’m not holding my breath. I have 2 on the list.

2 Button down sweaters. I’m breastfeeding, so I need button downs. Other shirts and sweaters just cause problems. There are 7 on my list.

2 Button down oxfords — There are only 2 on my list, and they are nice and well tailored. I’m hoping not to go this far down on the list, because this is stuff I could get at Target much cheaper and very similar. I only put ones on this list that I thought looked so nice that they were noticeably too fine  to get at a cheaper place.

Stud diamond (or diamond-like) earrings. I really need to get jewelry.  But this is something I hate shopping for even more than clothing. So it’s on the list.

Bangle bracelet. Probably won’t get this because while I need more jewelry, I hate wearing bracelets. I’d get one for special occasions.

I am hoping that with this gift certificate this plan, my mother-in-law donating babysitting time, some bottles full of breast milk and some sweet talking to get me to go out in the cold will lead me on my first step to a better dressed lady.

Newbie Post

This is my first serious attempt at a blog. I’ve doodled around a bit, but never got into it.  But now I’m all for serious. I was thinking of listing everything I would likely write about, but then I decided that this would get in the way of my actually writing anything. So I’m just going to say hi there and wing it.